Not Like Gold In Your Dreams, Believe Me
by palomasnapples
Summary: AU Kames, Cargan. He stayed almost all morning, still sitting across from James even when his plate was covered in nothing but syrup and James had refilled his cup three times.


**A/N:** This fic was written by me and my friend Alex. It's my favorite of all my fics.

_x_

It's right at that time when the diner is about to get busiest and James wasn't sure if he was happy or angry about it. He had been up all night adding the finishing touches to his research paper but his alarm went off at the wrong time so he had sprinted across campus to hand in his portfolio, and it had been raining, and he looked like complete shit, and his hair looked like there had been a tornado outside, and it basically was a terrible morning to finish off a horrendous night. He barely had time to run back and change in his dorm, just to run the few blocks to the subway and arrive late to work.

His head was buzzing with words about cancerous tumors and different kinds of chemo after spending all night typing about the sickness and he was tired, trying not to flop down on the nearest table but Carlos kept him up, running by him with cups of orange juice or coffee mugs while humming everything from Spring Awakening to Avenue Q, that big smile on his face. He might have been humming something from High School Musical at some point just to make James scowl in his direction.  
>James' pants were practically glued to his legs because of the rain, his hair matted to his forehead as the morning rush began and he was sort of happy about it because that meant he could keep busy and concentrate on something else other than correct grammar and his stupid anatomy paper due later in the week.<p>

After handing a couple their menus and promising to be back to take their orders, he turned the corner of the diner, nearly bumping into another waiter, when he saw his one empty table being occupied by another person. He walked over, trying to ignore the way his eyes were throbbing and begging to be closed, but they opened right away once he was faced with a boy.

James was quiet for a bit, not being able to say anything when the boy looked up at him, green eyes gleaming.

"Hello, I'll be serving you today," James said, completely forgetting that he was supposed to introduce himself and seem like a normal human being who doesn't stare at strangers like this. He looked down at the menu in his hand, handing it over.

The boy smiled up at him and James had to stop his mouth from falling open. "Hey, thank you," he answered then squinted at James' shirt before smiling again and saying, "James."

It took James a bit to realize he had been staring at his name tag, not just his shirt, and James blushed a little. "Oh, sorry. I'm James, I'll be serving you today."

The boy grinned up at him, sweeping his bangs under the beanie on his head and James noticed the ridiculous amount of bracelets on his wrists, the way his shirt clung to his arms and he really, really had to stop, right now. "Hi. I'm Kendall," he introduced himself and James couldn't help but smirk at that.

"Nice to meet you. Can I get you anything to drink?"

Kendall opened his menu, looking down at the pictures of the drinks. "Hmm. What do you think I should get, a coffee?"

James reached into his apron just to keep his hands busy. "Um, if you like coffee you should."

Kendall tilted his head. "You don't like coffee?"

"I hate coffee," James answered in an un-amused tone.

"Then why do you work here?"

"I'm not the one drinking the coffee."

Kendall hummed. "Touche."

"So..?"

"Um, can I actually have some tea?" Kendall asked and James was sort of angry at himself for wanting to just stand there and stare at him. Instead he nodded and said "sure," before going to the back. He was walking towards the table with the hot tea pot when he spotted Carlos raising an eyebrow in his direction with a smirk. James shook his head, trying to ignore the way his face heated up when Carlos ran by him whispering, "Get it, get it."

Kendall's smirk seemed to be about three times bigger when he got back to the table and James actually got worried he might have heard Carlos' stupidity. "Thanks," he said and kept his eyes on James, as if his matted hair was perfectly fine.

James smiled at him, he couldn't help it, before he said, "So, you ready to order?"

Kendall hmm'd once more before saying, "What do you think I should get?"

James shrugged. "I'm not sure."

He squinted his eyes. "What would you get?"

James looked around so he didn't have to stare at Kendall. It was getting difficult. "Probably our breakfast sandwich."

Kendall made a face. "I'll take the waffles," he said and when James laughed he grinned like he was shy and James noticed the dimples on his cheeks for the first time.

x

The next day was nowhere near as busy - Mondays were always their slowest day and Carlos wasn't there to continue teasing him. Yesterday Kendall had finished his meal and left, but every time James had walked past him he sent a smile his way or just a short nod of his head and just thinking about him made James' face feel three times hotter.

Which was stupid in about seventeen different ways. Kendall hadn't even asked him out but he had stayed much longer than he had to, paying for his food and waiting until James came over to pick up the tip, once again brushing his bangs out of the way and thanking James for breakfast like he had personally made it. Carlos wouldn't stop telling him about the little glances Kendall kept throwing his way and he just didn't want to think about it.

He had his paper due in two days and since the day was so slow he was sitting in one of the booths, papers lining down the table in small piles for him to look over his facts once again and see what he was missing. The diner was quiet, nothing but soft music playing in the background as he stared down at his papers, highlighter in hand when he felt a presence near him.

"Doing some homework?" said a familiar voice and James looked up and immediately grinned.

"No, just. I like staring at pictures of diaphragms for fun, you know?"

Kendall sighed, putting a hand to his chest to look relieved. "Oh, good. I thought I was the only one."

James looked down to his paper so Kendall wouldn't see the way he was biting down a smile and when he looked up again Kendall was sitting across from him, that smirk still playing on his lips. Then suddenly his eyes widened. "Oh, you don't mind me sitting here, right? I can -"

"No, no, it's fine," James said maybe a little too quickly and Kendall relaxed.

"You're not gonna wait on me today?" he asked and James raised an eyebrow at his teasing tone.

"I was about to eat but if you want me to leave -"

"No, don't."

James smiled at that before looking back at his papers. Suddenly he was even more happy that Carlos wasn't there; he'd probably try to wait on both of them like they were a couple. He looked up to catch Kendall staring at his papers and he explained, "It's anatomy. I have a paper due."

Kendall let out a pained noise. "Trying to be a doctor?"

James nodded, taking a sip from his drink. "Trying is the key point."

He laughed at that and James almost wanted to kill Kevin for coming over to take his order because he maybe wanted to watch Kendall laugh forever. It was quickly getting ridiculous and he knew it but this was all in good fun; Kendall was sweet and almost unbearably cute, so what was the harm?

He stayed almost all morning, still sitting across from James even when his plate was covered in nothing but syrup and James had refilled his cup three times. James had teased him about the amount of syrup he used and Kendall had scoffed before taking some on his finger and leaning over the table to pretend like he was going to run the liquid down his cheek and James had laughed, pushing his arm away even though the stupid gesture had given him butterflies.

It wasn't until Kevin told him he had to help close down that James finally got up, taking Kendall's check. Kendall smiled up at him and James nearly snorted. "You got a little," he said, motioning to his own lip and Kendall looked confused before he reached up to wipe syrup off his face, his cheeks coloring. Then he was standing and this was the first time James got to see him this close while standing and he's tall just like James, his eyes looking about three times greener from this angle.

"It was good talking to you, having breakfast."

James swallowed. "Yeah, it was nice."

He licked his lips. "Okay, well. See you tomorrow?"

James' smile never left his face. "Yeah, I'll be here."

Then Kendall was smiling, his dimples more apparent than ever. "Okay, good."

_x_

Kendall came back the next day with his own work, taking up half the table with estimated album sales of the next few months and James was amazed at Kendall's knowledge about the music industry, listening intently as he went on and on about hard-working bands and the chances they had to take by going on tour and releasing albums without any help from a record label.

"Are you trying to be in a band?" James couldn't help but ask, sliding into the booth across from Kendall even though he knew he would have to get up within seconds to wait on someone else.

Kendall hummed. "I have a band, but I don't want to do any of those things yet. I mostly just want to help out with the industry or maybe get into tour managing," he answered with a shrug as if it was no big deal and James shook his head, standing.

"And I thought my career choice wouldn't end up well," he answered and he had to dodge Kendall's foot when it sprung out from under the table to trip him as he walked away laughing.

x

James had the day off Wednesday, but he couldn't help wanting to go back to work.

x

"He was looking for you you yesterday," Carlos told James the second he walked into the diner, still putting on his apron.

"Huh?"

Carlos gave him an un-amused look before looking back down at the coffee he was pouring. "Beanie head was here yesterday and he looked like a lost puppy."

James flushed and Carlos looked up at him with a cheeky grin. "I've never seen you crush so hard, oh my god."

"Shut up," he mumbled, rolling his eyes and turning to take care of something else.

"Don't even try to deny it, Maslow."

"Get back to work, Pena."

Then he heard Carlos let out a little giggle, hands coming to touch James' waist from the back as he said, "Prince Charming's here. I'll let you get to that," before walking away, smirk still playing on his lips and James' face was way too hot as he glanced over to where Carlos had been looking. There was Kendall in all his glory, no beanie on his head for the first time and leaning over the counter, eyes stuck on James.

"Hey, you," he said with a smile and James' chest felt like it was fluttering.

"Hey," he answered with the same enthusiasm and before he could get closer to the counter Kendall was saying, "I missed you yesterday."

And, well. James was only human. Kendall was stupidly attractive and so sweet and James couldn't help but feel a little blinded; there had to be _something_ wrong with him, he couldn't be as perfect as he seemed and those thoughts made James' stomach twist. No one this great would be interested in him, but then Kendall said things like that and nothing made sense in James' head.

"Did you?" he asked, head tilting a little and he could practically feel Carlos rolling his eyes from across the room.

Kendall smirked like he had been expecting that answer. "Of course. You didn't miss me?"

James licked his lips, handing Kendall a just-poured mug of coffee because he had mentioned wanting to try it the other day, and James tried to stop feeling dumb for remembering something so insignificant. But then he was looking up to see Kendall staring at him with those green eyes, with that sweet-looking mouth in a small, confident smile and he grinned back.

"Maybe a little."

James didn't know if it was because Kendall had actually missed him but he spent the entire morning hanging around the waiters, switching his seat so he could constantly be near James or Carlos, joking around with them and trying to make Carlos mess up some orders. It wasn't long before Carlos started to grow a little fond of him and his stupid commentary, especially when Kendall would shamelessly flirt with James in front of customers.

James hated being the center of all jokes but if it kept Kendall and Carlos laughing near him, it was okay.

The morning was over way too fast for James' liking and he began busing tables while Kendall continued shoveling waffles down his throat, trying to be as obnoxious and disgusting as possible.

"Can you not?" he asked after a few seconds and Kendall smiled at him with a mouth full of waffles.

"What?" he attempted to say and James shook his head, trying to ignore how gross he was being. When he turned around to collect Kendall's plate he was too busy licking it clean from syrup, stacking all of his utensils on top of each other and smiling like he was proud of him.

James gave him the most confused look he could muster and Kendall said in his defense, "I'm trying to make your job easier."

But then they were interrupted by a shriek and they both looked over at Carlos to see him being picked up from the back, strong arms curled around his waist and Carlos started to laugh, flailing and doing his best to get down as the man behind him pressed kisses on the back of his neck.

"Stop, stop put me down!" he yelled, legs flailing and then the man was laughing and putting him down just to have Carlos turn around and shove him, saying, "You're such a dick, what if you were someone else?"

"Well I'm still me so we're all good," Logan smirked, his dimples so visible because of his grin that Carlos wanted to hit him but then Logan was pulling him close, hands on his hips as he pressed their lips together, murmuring, "'M sorry baby."

"God, shut up," Carlos responded but his eyes were closed, leaning forward for another kiss and Logan smirked, hands sliding down to squeeze Carlos' hips, tugging at his bottom lip with his teeth. And with that James was looking away, trying to ignore the sounds of their kissing and murmuring but Kendall's face was red, looking down at the floor in what looked like embarrassment which made James flush himself.

"Guys, take it somewhere else," James said to them, his eyebrows raised and Carlos licked his lips while Logan smirked.

"Why baby, you jealous?" Logan asked and Carlos laughed, arm wrapping around Logan's waist. James glared at them but then Kendall was laughing and shaking his head, so he assumed it wasn't as awkward as it seemed. He was used to them being gross but being around Kendall when other people were kissing made him feel stupid amounts of nervous.

"I think I'm gonna head out," Kendall said suddenly and James blinked; he wanted to say no, don't, stay, let's hang out, want to get lunch later?

But instead he said, "Okay."

Kendall smiled at him as he got up, hooking his bag over his shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

James nodded without thinking because of course, he hopes so, he'll always be here to see him, but then something snapped.

"Wait, no, I have the day off tomorrow," he remembered and Kendall turned around, hand on the door for him to leave. His face looked blank but he pouted, saying, "Oh."

James could feel Carlos' eyes on the back of his head and it made him blush just to think about.

"I'll see you Saturday, though?"

Then Kendall was nodding, smiling once again. "Yeah, of course. See you Saturday, James."

He's barely out the door before Carlos began tugging at James' apron, giggling, "See you Saturday, _James_," as Logan laughed behind him, making low_ ooooh_ sounds.

x

James had almost gone back to the diner on Saturday, just to see if Kendall would be there.

Carlos came back from working telling him he was nowhere to be found, and James couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day.

x

Saturday was a bit too busy for James' liking but Kendall was there, so everything was okay for the most part. He couldn't sit down with Kendall like they had been doing for the past few days and James was starting to get antsy. Kendall kept looking over at him with that smile and then looking back down at his menu as if he'd order something different this time, but James knew better than that by now.

"So, what can I get for you today, blondie?" James asked once he finally got to his table and Kendall looked up at him with a smirk before laughing a little and shaking his head.

James raised an eyebrow. "What? You don't like 'blondie'?"

Kendall bit his lip to hide his smile before saying, "No, just. My dad he used to call me that when I was younger."

Even though they're in a crowded restaurant James can't help the laugh he lets out, his cheeks getting red. "Oh, wow. My dad used to call me little bear, so," he smiled then realized he had said it out loud and his cheeks became even more red, traveling down to his neck and Kendall grinned up at him like he was the sun.

"Oh my god," Kendall said and almost giggled before saying, "That's so fitting!"

James didn't think it was possible to blush harder, but apparently it was. "Shut up, what do you want to eat?"

Kendall's smile never once left his face as he answered, "Waffles, please."

x

The next day James could barely walk through the diner without bumping into someone. He waited on Kendall with a rushed and tired smile, not missing the way Kendall's eyes lingered at his sweaty hair and cheeks, which just made him sweat even more. Mostly he didn't miss what Kendall had brought with him, but he didn't get to mention it until way later when the diner was empty and Carlos was busing some of the remaining tables.

"So uh, what's that?" James asked, sitting across from Kendall with a smile and he used a napkin to dab at his cheeks, trying to seem like he wasn't actually this gross. But Kendall didn't seem to notice, in fact, he seemed to get a little red himself at the question.

"Um, it's," he started then paused, not knowing how to continue. James watched as Kendall reached over and took the small bear in his hands, placing it on the table. It was fairly small and brown with a nose to match and its feet were padded. James blinked at it like it was supposed to explain itself but then Kendall squeezed its sides and said softly, "I got it for you."

James didn't know how to react, his mouth almost falling open. "For me?" he asked and his eyes flickered back to Kendall's green ones, which suddenly seemed to be panicking.

"Yeah, just. You said your dad called you Little Bear, right? And I was walking around and I saw this little guy sitting there so I thought you'd like him, you know? But I mean, you don't have to take him, it was -"

"Kendall, oh my god," James said and he had to stop himself from covering his face because suddenly the room was _way_ too hot and he couldn't handle the way Kendall was looking so scared, holding that little bear and he started, "I can't even -"

"I know it's dumb but he's so cute and it really reminded me of you and I just really want you to have it, okay?" Kendall said and his smile was soft around the edges but his eyes looked nervous, like he was hoping desperately that James wouldn't say no, like James was physically _able_ to say no to him. James grinned like it was Christmas morning and said finally, "It's not dumb, that's.. so, so sweet of you."

Kendall's eyes seemed to twinkle in relief as his smile grew more confident, his shoulders relaxing. "Yeah?" he said, sliding the bear forward until James was holding him, their fingers grazing and his eyes shot up at the touch, their eyes locking. The moment seemed so intimate but James just couldn't look away, not even when his cheeks hurt from smiling too wide.

"Why do you have to be so sweet?" he asked and Kendall shook his head, biting his lip. James suddenly wanted to know exactly what he was thinking, was he making fun of James in his head? Did he even like James at all?

"I'm not. I just. I really like you," Kendall responded and it seemed like he wanted to take it back immediately and James bit his lip to hide a smile. "I really like you too," he said and his voice shook with how much he meant it, how much he wanted to just pull Kendall by the collar and kiss him breathless, pull him close and never let him go. The need was so overwhelming he had to clench his fist, squeezing the teddy in his hands and he felt like his chest was going to explode with the way Kendall was looking at him.

It felt like a dream when Kendall finally asked, looking up at him through the bangs that fell over his eyes that James wanted to push back so desperately, "Do you want to hang out sometime?"

x

"Would you stop smiling at your damn phone and look at me?" Carlos snapped, throwing a pair of jeans towards him and James laughed, looking up at Carlos from where he was sitting.

"What? I'm not wearing those."

"Why the hell not?" Carlos asked, flapping his arms at his sides in frustration.

"Because they won't fit me. You're a midget," he stated and Carlos threw another article of clothing his way. James' thumbs moved over his blackberry's keyboard quickly and then Carlos was snatching his phone away and jumping on top of the bed, laughing as James tried to tackle him down.

"Give it back!" he yelled, cheeks red as Carlos burst out laughing and read, "'Nothing much, just hanging out and studying tonight' _smiley face!_ 'how about you?' Aww, James!"

"Shut up, give it!"

"You're not studying tonight, you can do that tomorrow," Carlos said, throwing the phone at James and getting off the bed to run to the closet once again. James glared at him and his little legs as he ran around the room. "I'm not going out tonight, Carlos," he reminded him.

"Yes you are," Carlos responded immediately and James yelled, "Don't touch my shit!" Carlos just ignored him, looking through their messy closet as he stated, "You're going and you're wearing those jeans that make your thighs look nice and I don't care who I have to kill to make it happen."

James all but whined, "Why can't you go alone? I have so much studying to do." He sat down on his bed and watched Carlos turn around with the nicest red button down James owned in his hands.

"Because we're celebrating Kendall's lack of stupidity without Kendall knowing it and you need to be there," Carlos explained and pressed the shirt onto James' chest. "Now go get dressed loverboy," he smirked, and James blushed as his phone vibrated with yet another text from Kendall.

x

The club was way too crowded for a Sunday night and James could feel his bad mood setting in. The music was loud and there were people dancing; the vibe was good but James could feel his head beginning to throb. He was tired from work and had so much studying to do, but he was weak against Carlos' excitement. He watched as Carlos walked over to the bar like he belonged there and sat down, staring at the back of the man working.

"Can I get a margarita on the rocks, please? Extra salt."

James couldn't help but snort at that and Logan turned around immediately, an eyebrow raised. But of course he grinned the second he saw Carlos and joined them, leaning against the bar from the other side.

"Uh, no, but I can get you some free water," he smirked, "On me."

Carlos rolled his eyes and all but whined, "Logan, come on. One drink? For me?"

"I could get in trouble, you know that, 'Litos," he replied over the music and leaned forward to press a kiss on Carlos' nose when the boy pouted. Then James looked away, sighing and crossing his arms. His phone felt like a dead weight in his pocket at he tried to ignore the sound of kissing next to him; why hadn't Kendall texted him back yet? They had texted all morning and afternoon once the diner closed, dancing around things they could do for the date, but nothing was set in stone yet and it made James nervous. Maybe it was all just in his mind, but then why would Kendall have told him he really liked him?

Just the thought of that morning made James blush. He shook his head, trying not to smile to himself before he tapped Carlos on the back to tell him he was going to the bathroom. Logan smiled and asked, "Do you want a drink? On the house."

James shook his head but thanked him, smiling as he walked away. The club was teeming with young people and James shifted through the crowd, bumping into dancing twenty-somethings and apologizing, when he saw it. His heart just about stopped when he spotted Kendall; he had been thinking about him all day, so it almost seemed like a dream. He was neatly dressed, much more spiffed up than the usual, and James felt his stomach twist up, the butterflies beginning.

But they slowly began decreasing as the scene unfolded in front of him. Kendall hadn't spotted him and James tried to blend in with the crowd so he wouldn't be seen as another guy - probably around their age or older - came up to Kendall, grinning bright like the sun. He wore glasses much like James' but that was the last thing James was looking at as he began talking to Kendall, hands running down his chest.

The boy kept it up, biting his lip as he looked up at Kendall and then his hands were on Kendall's waist, bringing their hips together and moving slowly to the beat of the music, the smile never leaving his lips. James' stomach clenched and his face fell as he watched Kendall throw his head back and laugh, hands coming to the man's forearms and ducking down to hear what he was trying to whisper in his ear. The sight was nauseating, repulsive even, and James didn't know how to react, his heart and brain saying two different things until everything was jumbled inside his head.

He felt a hand on his back and he couldn't help but jump, scaring Carlos as he looked up at him. "Hey, are you okay?" Carlos asked, a hand on his waist and James didn't know what his face looked like, but it must have been bad because the younger boy immediately looked to where he had been staring. It only took a squeeze on his hip for James to know that he saw it too.

"What the fuck," Carlos said simply, clutching the cup in his hand tighter and James kept watching like it was a car crash; watching as the man wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck and murmured something before pressing a kiss on his cheek, watching the way Kendall's eyes crinkled when he laughed and the way his arm went around the boy like this was normal for them, like everything was perfectly fine.

James could feel the tears building and his stomach throbbed and he wanted to puke and then Carlos was tugging on his arm and saying, "I'm gonna set that little shit on -" before James interrupted him, tugging him back and saying, "No."

Carlos looked up at him with frustrated eyes - James couldn't tell if he was sad or furious or both - and said, "James, no, I'm going to go talk to him."

"No, Carlos, you're not," James responded immediately and his voice sounded much stronger than he felt; his chest felt like it would collapse in any second, his hands shaking as he held onto Carlos' wrist for dear life. "Please, Carlos. I don't want to be here anymore, just, take me home and you can come back after, okay?"

Then he was nodding and saying, "Yeah, just, let me say bye to Logan, okay?" And James followed him to the bar with wobbling legs, trying to keep control because he wasn't sure what his body wanted to do. Logan knew something was wrong the second they arrived and he sent James a worried look, asking, "What happened? Did someone touch you?" He looked defensive, like he would try to fix it immediately, and James felt a surge of appreciation for him.

Before James could try to explain, could even pretend like he knew what to say, Carlos was leaning forward and whispering things to him and James didn't listen because he was already walking towards the door, taking deep breaths and ignoring the few looks sent his way. His eyes were burning to fight back tears but the cool air outside betrayed him and the tears released before he could cover his face.

Why was he so goddamned stupid? Of course Kendall had a boyfriend. When he said he really liked James, he meant as a friend. Did he even mean it as a friend? What were those texts about? James breathed hard as he walked towards the car, hands in his hair as he tried to settle his mind but he couldn't, the thoughts overwhelming him as he let out a shaky sob. Why would Kendall do something like this to him? Didn't he _care_?

Of course he didn't care, James thought, leaning against the car door. His chest was shaking with the want to cry but he felt so pathetic, feeling so much for this stupid boy that didn't think anything special of him. He shouldn't be this affected; Kendall was just an idiot that came to the place James worked every day to eat waffles and then left, taking away nothing but James' time and hope. James had never felt so stupid, had never felt so betrayed by someone who didn't deserve his attention.

But god, he really wanted Kendall's attention. He wanted to be the one in that club with him, he wanted to be in this relationship, wanted to be the one that Kendall smiled and kissed and hugged. It was just starting, it could have gone perfectly, but now everything hurt and James felt like the world's biggest idiot for believing that once, just this once, the thing that he wanted the most would be his.

Carlos arrived at the car and he said a soft, "James," when he saw his condition but James shook his head, sliding into the passenger seat and saying, "Just take me home."

The ride home was silent, with James pressing his palms against his eyelids to stop the tears that weren't supposed to be there and Carlos finally said, "I'm sorry."

Then James felt anger rise up inside him, the tears coming now because of frustration. "None of this would have happened if you had let me stay home. I would've been fine just studying."

He could feel the way Carlos looked at him, fire behind his glance as he responded, "I didn't_ force_ you come. You could have stayed home if you really wanted to. Don't try to blame this on me, it's not my fault Kendall ended up being with someone else."

"But it's _your_ fault I saw him with that guy," James replied immediately, and he could feel the way his voice was raising but he couldn't help it, his emotions were taking over. "I could have gone _forever_ without fucking seeing that and I would have been fine."

Then Carlos was swerving into the parking lot of a pharmacy and stopping the car, turning in his seat to look at James. He was known for having a short temper but James for once wasn't scared, just so upset. Carlos stared at him like he was in shock and angry, but his voice betrayed him as he said quiet but strong, "I didn't bring you out with me for this. I wanted us to have fun tonight, don't accuse me of being the reason this happened. You were going to find out anyway, how the fuck was I supposed to know that you were going to catch your beloved douche-bag with another guy? Fucking _sorry_, James."

And the car went silent, no noise except for the cars outside, and James covered his face, pressing back against the seat as his eyes heated up once again, the sobs threatening to wrack through him at any second. Carlos swallowed, saying a soft and apologetic, "James," and sounding like he was in tears but James just shook his head.

"Please take me home," he said simply, and a couple of seconds passed before he felt Carlos leaning over to wrap him in his arms, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Carlos asked and James nodded behind his hands because, yeah. He was too.

Going home was nearly a form of torture. James quickly remembered the moments he spent at home just thinking about Kendall and his hair and those stupid dimples, how he made James feel like the only one who mattered. That time when Kendall made fun of his red cheeks and James had tried to blame it on rosacea. That time when him and Carlos spent the morning talking about James, and he only knew because Kendall kept laughing as he glanced over at him. All those moments where James just wanted to be pulled in for a hug, just wanted to initiate something, anything, but he was too scared to do anything about his feelings. Was that why? Did he somehow know this would happen?

They were stupid questions to ask, of course, but as he walked into his room he slowly realized that everything reminded him of Kendall. His sheets that were a nice shade of green, the mess of clothes on the ground because James always tried to look nice under his apron each day at work, and his eyes suddenly landed on the teddy bear on the floor next to his bed. His heart seemed to drop and every ounce of control he had managed to scrounger in the car seemed to be gone.

James walked over and picked up the small bear, looking at its face and its cute button nose until the image became blurry by his tears, and they wouldn't stop this time. He let them fall. He closed his eyes and clutched the bear against his chest, pressing his face against its soft fur as he cried quietly, sitting on the edge of his bed. He could feel himself being watched but that didn't stop his crying, not yet anyway.

"James," Carlos said again, much like earlier in the car and James knew he was worried but he shook his head, knowing that he wouldn't let himself cry other this any other day. It just wasn't worth it, none of it was, and that thought alone made more tears come to his eyes, his throat nearly closing with them.

"I'm fine," he managed to whisper and he sounded stuffy already as he stood up to take off his jeans, his nicest pair that he didn't want to see for a while. Carlos left but came back seconds later with a cup of water to find James under the covers, the bear pressed tight to his chest once again. Carlos didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. It took him seconds to crawl under the covers with James, touching his waist gently in case he wanted to be alone. But within minutes James was turning over, facing Carlos as the tears started to come.

Carlos did nothing but close his eyes as James copied his actions, the tears coming a lot faster than before as he sniffled, the dark thoughts of tomorrow morning looming over him. Would Kendall still show up at the diner the next morning? Would he question the lack of texting on James' part, considering Carlos had taken his phone away the second he could? Would he keep up the act and keep making James his little puppet? The idea nearly made James sick, but Carlos' hand was rubbing up and down his back as he hummed, as if he was trying to lull a baby to sleep. James loved Carlos so much right then for knowing just what to do that he almost smiled, but he just couldn't, so instead he moved closer to him on the bed, nearly pressing his face against the boy's neck.

What would he even say to Kendall the next morning? Would he have the guts to pretend like James was lying? Did any of this even matter? Did Kendall even care if James found out? The more he thought about it, the less sense it made and the worse he felt. It was like Carlos sensed his thought process because soon enough he murmured, "You don't have to think about it now. You can just rest and we'll think about it tomorrow, okay?"

James swallowed thickly, his eyes burning from the tears he didn't let fall. "We work tomorrow."

Carlos didn't say anything to that, maybe he didn't know what to say, but he pressed a kiss to James' forehead and said, "Just close your eyes and try not to think about it. It'll all be okay, I promise."

_But nothing is okay_, James thought and the tears began to fall as it really hit him that all of this with Kendall - this happiness, this hope, this want to be with him - was suddenly all gone overnight, just like that, and he didn't know how to handle it. They were supposed to go on a date soon. Now James wanted nothing to do with him. James sighed against Carlos' neck, being pulled closer and the tears started coming stronger as he solemnly thought, _but I want everything to do with him._

_x_

**A/N:** Review for part two!


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